Round 7, Day 16
My vagina wants to throw up. No, really.
I guess more accurately it feels like my womb wants to throw up. It's the new pessaries I started yesterday, we added a progesterone pessary first thing in the morning and another mid-afternoon. I guess if I concentrate on what is happening down there, the feeling is like probably contractions/irritation, almost like the urging of a bladder infection. I'm not sure if it's on the basis of the medication (progesterone) or just the pessaries themselves irritating things. It's the oddest feeling. I keep going to the toilet thinking I need to poop or pee. Nope, it's just my womb trying to crawl out through my vag and push all the medication out with it.
I called the clinic sheepishly and spoke with one of the nurses. "Um, I'm not sure how to explain this feeling but it kind of feels like I have a bladder infection and need to pee or need to poop, like ALL THE TIME, and my womb wants to crawl out of my body." She covers her laugh with a half-sigh. "How far up are you pushing the pessaries?"
I'm immediately defensive. What do you mean, woman? They're pessaries. I'm pushing them up into my vagina like you told me to! I have an odd flashback. Pretty sure I might have had this conversation on a previous round.
"Well, like I'm putting them in like a tampon, like up about a fingers' worth?"
Now I'm worried. Is a fingers worth too big a vagina? Do I have a massive cave vagina and I don't know it? Maybe it just feels like a fingers' worth and it's just the first knuckle.
"You're probably hitting your cervix and it's causing irritation."
Well, no, I don't think so, but okay lady. You're the expert. Riddle me this, why didn't the oestrogen pessaries I was taking all last week irritate me if I was doing it wrong?!
Before I can formulate a response she says the magic words, "You can put them in rectally if you like." I half-knew this but like everything with IVF, there is so much to remember that you can't tuck it all safely away in your noggin. If only one could store the information in one's massive vagina, I'd be set.
So it turns out that the progesterone-only pessaries I take during the day are completely okay being inserted rectally, it's just any pessary with estrogen in it (i.e. my mixed progesterone and estrogen night-time pessaries) that need to be taken vaginally.
I unironically and profusely thank the nurse for being able to shove a waxy bullet into my bunghole, hang up and zip off to the bathroom. It's in quicker than you can say "Jack Robin-SON-OF-A-BITCH!". From previous cycles and panicked calls to the clinic (and because this will happen to you) I also know that it's okay to poop 20 - 30 minutes after the pessary goes to visit brown town. All of the medication you need from the pessary is absorbed within 15 - 20 minutes. There is also evidence to suggest that progesterone is actually better absorbed rectally than vaginally, and when you put it up the pooper you don't have to lie down for half an hour like you're supposed to with a vaginal pessary. You will expel the wax that the medication is delivered in when you next poop, again this is fine and don't panic. It's better than being inserted/expelled from your vag because that just happens all day long like a waxy white period instead of in neat poop parcels. Just don't trust a fart until you figure out how your body handles it.
I generally try to wear pads on the days I need to do pessaries, and it helps, but there is something about the wax that messes with the structure of a pad and the stickiness. Either way, save the lacy La Perla g-string for another time and invest in a box of Target sensibles.
In other news, have also turned into a human hive, just one giant hive. Again, it's the progesterone. My body does not like. I took both skin spray Benadryl AND Cetirizine this morning and feel slightly more human although now sleepy. Adulting is highly overrated anyway.